Fight of my life

[00:00:00] Speaker A: This podcast has conversations around different mental health experiences that may be distressing for some people. If that doesn't feel like something you want to explore today, you might want to visit another podcast and come back to us another time. [00:00:13] Speaker B: Discovery College acknowledges the traditional owners of country throughout Australia and recognises their continuing connection to lands, waters and community. We pay our respects to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures and to the elders, past and present. They have never ceded sovereignty. [00:00:32] Speaker C: So I went from being diagnosed with postnatal depression to being diagnosed with adjustment disorder, and then I was diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder and I ended up on six different psychoactive medications. I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals over and over and over. What didn't become clear for an extremely long time was that every new behaviour that I was exhibiting and every new disorder I was diagnosed for that behaviour was also what's known as a psychiatric adverse effect of the very medications I was on. [00:01:21] Speaker A: I'm Lucy. [00:01:21] Speaker B: And I'm Rachel and we're the hosts of the Extremely Human podcast. [00:01:26] Speaker A: Sometimes we move through big human experiences that others might not understand, like psychosis, grief, addiction, euphoria, or moments that feel completely unreal. [00:01:37] Speaker B: On Extremely Human, we hear from people who've been there and share what they've learned along the way. Together we ask, how can we meet the full range of human experience with kindness and compassion? [00:02:02] Speaker A: After her first daughter's birth, Beck experienced intense postnatal panic. Misdiagnosed and overmedicated, she spent three years in and out of psychiatric hospitals. In this episode, she shares how she fought to get her life back and regain her agency. Today we're here with Rebecca Beddo, author of Dying for a A Memoir of Antidepressants, Misdiagnosis and Madness. Thanks for coming in today, Bec. How you going? [00:02:31] Speaker C: I'm happy to be here. [00:02:32] Speaker B: We're really happy to have you. [00:02:34] Speaker A: Did you want to tell us a little bit about you as a human? [00:02:37] Speaker C: Okay. Well, I am a mum of two girls. I'm married, have been for, I think, coming up on 25 years. I love all things nonfiction. I'm a real information maniac, if you like. I can't get enough of information. And I love true crime. I love. I even love reality shows, even commercial tacky reality shows like, like mafs and things like that. [00:03:06] Speaker B: Secret Confession from me. [00:03:07] Speaker C: Yeah, the Real Housewives series. I love them. And the reason I love them is I just love studying human behavior in all its forms. Quite obsessed. [00:03:20] Speaker B: I know we'll get through, get onto this in the episode, but I just want to Say your book is just such an amazing, important piece of story that needs to be read. Yeah. So thanks for giving it to us and to the world and, yeah, it. [00:03:35] Speaker C: Was something that I couldn't not do. [00:03:37] Speaker B: We usually like to start episodes with a bit of a chat about disproportionate reactions, either from you or someone else. Do you have anything you can share around a disproportionate reaction? [00:03:49] Speaker C: I find the question disproportionate really interesting because it's such a subjective term. The first thing that comes to mind for me is, is the behaviour that emerged after the birth of my first daughter. And I, in the moment, knew that my thoughts and my feelings and my actions were disproportionate, but I couldn't help them. [00:04:11] Speaker B: Well, that's a great start to our conversation. I guess it leads me to being curious about what does the. What does an extreme state mean to you? [00:04:20] Speaker C: I've been in many extreme states that are all to do. All to do with parenting in some way or another. But getting back to the disproportionate extreme state. Well, I mean, going back to the book. The book is about the birth of my first daughter and me being diagnosed with postnatal depression when I went to see a GP for these things that I'm talking about right now, even though it was diagnosed as postnatal depression, which I resisted at the time because it just didn't feel right. Because on reflection, it was really more postnatal panic. It was panic. And the disproportionate sort of actions and behaviors that I were having were that, first of all, being pregnant, I was walking on a cloud the whole time. I had the best pregnancy, felt like I was the only one who'd ever been pregnant before. It was just so incredible. And every week, tuning into, you know, an Internet site that I was looking at and what's going on with my baby at week 22 and now week 23, you know, fingernails are growing and all that stuff. And then pretty much from the minute I went into labor, really, and went into the whole hospitalized setting, things just were whisked out of my control so fast. And I was immediately hit on the very first night in hospital when my baby was in my arms and not in my tummy. What have I done? [00:05:53] Speaker B: Wow. [00:05:53] Speaker C: What have I done? I have another human and I'm fully in charge of this human. She can do nothing for herself. I neglect her for a short period of time and horrendous things can happen that sort of began to build up over, you know, the kind of 8 to 12 weeks to get to some specifics when I knew that what I was thinking and doing were kind of extreme and probably disproportionate. The very first things that I can remember happening were being out on a walk with her. You know, and she's a little bub and she's still on the flatbed bassinet and everything. And you see people doing this all the time, right? And here am I walking along. We lived on quite a busy road. I'm just immediately aware of the fact that I'm pushing her ahead of me past driveways. How dumb is that? How dumb is a pram? Why am I putting her out in front of me where there's potential danger? And, you know, when would it ever have occurred to me that walking my baby, taking her for a walk in a pram, was going to feel so perilous? And so then everything began to feel that way. And it was things like holding her in my arms and just having this notion that I could drop her right now, my arms could let go and I could drop her four feet to the concrete or the kitchen floor. You know, I wasn't going to, but it was just. It could happen. What if I accidentally moved quickly while I was changing her nappy and flung her into the wall? That's when it started to get disproportionate, because I knew it, but at the same time I couldn't stop it. So it really did get to a point and relatively quickly because we are talking in the first, sort of, like I said, eight to 12 weeks, and I was isolating at home and withdrew from pretty much everything. And it was at that point that I ended up going to the doctor to say, I'm not coping. [00:08:02] Speaker A: Before we get into that, is it normal for mothers to be having sort of intrusive thoughts about what could happen to their baby? [00:08:10] Speaker C: It certainly wasn't something I felt I could talk to anybody about. I was in a mother's group, and every time I went to that mother's group, the other babies were on the floor under their mobiles. And another thing about my daughter, she was very unsettled as a baby. She basically didn't sleep during the day. She only catnapped about 20 minutes here and there. So that side of it was very full on as well. But I'd be outpacing the deck while everyone was having their cups of coffee in chat. So whether people were chatting about those things when I wasn't around, I don't Know, but I also don't think so. Everybody just seemed to be talking about the best versions of mothering. Well, what seemed to me then the only versions of mothering and I was having this awful one. So why I'm bringing up the. The thoughts of my arms could let go or I could flinger into the wall. I don't think that's common to go to that level. And even at the time, because it felt like. It felt like I had a stranglehold on me, like I was restrained by these things and that is why I went to seek help. [00:09:17] Speaker B: I'm wondering, Bec, does it change things talking about this as an extreme state or an extreme response as opposed to postnatal depression or something else that might. Is commonly how these things are referred to. [00:09:34] Speaker C: An extreme response to me is something that is very human, very human. Something that, you know, I would define it as something a human experience that goes beyond your normal coping abilities. Even at the time of all this happening in me, going to the doctor, medicalising it was not something that I wanted to do. I just heard that people who were struggling with their children, their newborns, go speak to your gp. And that's what I did. And I didn't really know what was going to come out of that. [00:10:08] Speaker B: What came out of that? [00:10:10] Speaker C: Well, what came out of that was the doctor saying to me, he was lovely, very, very compassionate. And he said to me, I think that you might have a touch of postnatal depression. On hearing that, it was jarring. [00:10:26] Speaker B: But. [00:10:26] Speaker C: It was also really welcome because it was like I didn't feel it was depression. It didn't start as depression anyway. I think getting to that point of displaying depression, like behaviors like the isolating and the pulling back, but I was really just going for support and I didn't know what that would be. I didn't want it to be medical. And he did, he did two things and one of them I welcomed with open arms, the other one I didn't. He prescribed, prescribed me an antidepressant and he also referred me to a mother and baby unit for an inpatient stay. So as he said it, you know, round the clock support and all of that. And I thought, oh, wow, I can't wait for that part. So I went home from that and I didn't take the antidepressants but I did go to the mother and baby unit. Part of the support at the mother and baby unit was wonderful and I never wanted to leave. And that was the beautiful compassion of the nurses and making me after my Baby was in bed. Them bringing me a hot chocolate to help me go to sleep or running me a bubble bath, all these beautiful things. And the other mothers too, of course, Being around other mothers and these group therapy sessions we'd have, I loved all of that. However, I realized there was no escaping the medicalization of what had occurred in the doctor's room. And it followed me to the mother and baby unit as well. It came as a shock. I was assigned a psychiatrist and I said, oh, you know a psychiatrist. And the nurse said to me, oh, yeah, look, all our ladies who come in here with postnatal depression, we get them to see a psychiatrist. The next level of concern was, hang on a minute. When did I get this actual diagnosis? Like it's been picked up from the doctor and now it's here and you're saying it, and now a psychiatrist is going to be told it. And there was this runaway medical train happening. [00:12:20] Speaker A: It sounds like you also didn't really have, like, an input of any of it, of, like, what it meant to you or what you felt like you were going through. It was just sort of like a label slapped on you. [00:12:30] Speaker C: I felt I had no agency whatsoever. Plus, everything was new, right? I'm a new mum. Everything's new, new, new. I'm new to this type of environment at the mother and baby unit. I'm new to the word psychiatrist. I don't know what happens when you see a psychiatrist. And I didn't even know how to have agency. I had no idea. I felt I had no choice but to just go with the flow. I'd asked for help and here it was, so off I went. But, yes, there was most definitely that feeling of just that trepidation and uncertainty of like a little bit like when I held my daughter in my arms for the first time. What have I done? You know, this other life is taking on form and I've made that happen, too. [00:13:22] Speaker B: Such a powerful description. You know, I just. I felt it in my body. When you talked about the loving care and compassion of the warm baths and the hot chocolates and being around the other mums. [00:13:34] Speaker C: Lavender essential oils. [00:13:36] Speaker B: Lavender essential oils. And. But then at the same time, this loss of control of. [00:13:42] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:13:42] Speaker B: What was coming or happening. [00:13:44] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:13:51] Speaker B: So bec. You know, when. What happened from meeting the psychiatrist. [00:13:55] Speaker C: It all happened on day one at the mother and baby unit. It was getting late. It was. I think I'd already had dinner and I'm thinking, I guess he's not coming today. But very casually, I think it was half past Six at night or something like that. This middle aged man turned up at my door and came in, introduced himself and he was my psychiatrist. And he sat down next to me on the bed and I'm thinking, oh, it's all very casual, I'm feeling less and less threatened, you know, by this situation. And he got, he got into some psychoanalysis very rapidly that had me in tears. And he'd also reinforced that I take the antidepressant that the GP had prescribed. So at that point I relented. The way he put it, the psychiatrist, was that it would enable me to settle the anxiety and get some good sleep and all of those things and then that would help me to get on with coping mechanisms. So, you know, I remember staring at it in my hand for a moment and going, oh, well, down the hatch. [00:14:59] Speaker B: It's pretty compelling though. [00:15:01] Speaker C: Yeah, I literally can still remember looking at it in my head. It was such a pivotal moment and yeah, it really turned out to be a pivotal moment. [00:15:12] Speaker B: In what way? [00:15:13] Speaker C: What was explained to me about the medication was that it would take around, you know, unfortunately, I was told, unfortunately, it will take a few weeks to take effect. It was explained to me that we have, you know, something that produces serotonin in our brain and that in situations like mine, sometimes there isn't enough of that. And so this medication helps to boost those levels and just to. It corrects the imbalance, that word was used, the chemical imbalance that's going on in there. So that all sounded fair, but the one nagging thing that wasn't answered, how do you know I've got an imbalance? Where are the blood tests? What, you're a doctor, right? But no, these will correct the imbalance. That just never sat well with me. From the very beginning, it didn't sit well with me. After a couple of days of taking the medication, I was actually sitting in a group therapy session, one of my favourite things, and I just suddenly felt my heart start to beat. I could hear it in my ears, blood was rushing in my ears, I was finding it hard to breathe and I thought, I'm having a heart attack. And I'm thinking, it's the medication, it's giving me a damn heart attack. So I leapt up and I ran back to my room where I hit the buzzer for the nurse and, you know, and I'm hyperventilating and she comes in and I'm expecting her to be getting an ambulance and she took one look at me and she left the room and returned with a paper bag. And she said, here, just breathe into this. So I did. And sure enough, it ended, the episode ended. And I was gobsmacked what the hell just happened? And she said, it's all right, sweetheart, you're just having a panic attack. Panic attack. And I'd heard of panic attacks and I'd heard how they get you by surprise. And I heard all these things. So I'm just thinking, wow, why am I getting worse? Why am I getting worse? And that kept on happening. And I had full blown insomnia, I had shocking anxiety. And none of it was related to my daughter, none of it was related to her. And I could not understand it and it terrified me. And what happened in response to that. So, I mean, this is a matter of only a few days in really of being. It was a two week stay there. The psychiatrist, he'd come and see me every day and he came extra fast this particular day. And he doubled the medication and he added an anti anxiety med. I think it was Valium at the time, maybe even a sleeping tablet as well, I'm not too sure. But the medication was just increased and I was assured. You'll be okay. You'll be okay. This is just part and parcel. This is just part and parcel. Yeah, but it wasn't okay, that's very scary. Yeah, it was. However, my objectivity on being able to sense how scary it was soon disappeared. The reason for that was I began to lose touch with what was going on around me. I started to live in an alternate sort of emotional state. Not psychosis. I'm not saying it was. That was not like that. It was just my mood didn't match reality and it actually felt quite good. When that kicked in, all I can remember on reflection was actually feeling better at everybody around me being afraid of how I was behaving and I was slipping into hypomania. [00:18:53] Speaker A: Can you explain what hypomania is? [00:18:56] Speaker C: Yeah, hypomania, as I learned a long time after the occurrence, is sort of the episode before full blown mania. So when people have extreme highs, that's mania. And hypomania is what can come before mania. It doesn't always go to full blown mania. But I was in this hypomanic state. And I can only imagine, because I didn't have the objectivity, I can only imagine how frightening that was for my husband, for my mother. More medication was being added or changed and I was actually moved from the mother and baby unit, which was in a general hospital. It was just a ward in a general hospital. It Wasn't a mental health facility but I was moved from there to a psychiatric hospital and within fairly short order. So we're now talking like a few months time. The first very dramatic thing that happened was when I was on weekend leave from the hospital. My husband left me alone to go to the supermarket to get something for dinner and I was preparing some of the dinner and I had a knife in my hand and while I'm chopping the vegetables I decided to slice my arm. And I can remember jumping back from myself, what the hell did I just do? That was the beginning of things becoming completely out of control for the period of over two years. And that's what the book's about. So the book is about escalating psychiatric symptoms that fit with criteria of psychiatric disorders which I would be diagnosed for. So I went from being diagnosed with postnatal depression to being diagnosed with adjustment disorder and then I was diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder and psychoactive medications all together, all at once. And over this period I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals over and over and over and I was in locked wards because I had attempts on my life. Several. I was in stages of full blown mania as well as crashing what I now know to be a condition called severe acute drug induced akathisia which is just hell on wheels. I liken that to being set alight and being told to live with it. You can't live with that. What didn't become clear for an extremely long time was that every new behavior I was exhibiting and every new disorder I was diagnosed for that behaviour was also what's known as a psychiatric adverse effect of the very medications I was on. [00:21:59] Speaker A: I was going to ask, in hearing you speak, how did anyone know what was going on for you if you were on such a cocktail of drugs? [00:22:05] Speaker C: No one did. It was my mother actually who had. My husband had a big issue with me being medicated, full stop. He really didn't like it. But my mother, you know, as I've sort of found out later on and I was able to listen properly and take things on board, my mum began to get concerned. I had a friend who was studying her postgrad in psychology at the time. She was really concerned and they were trying to speak to the psychiatrist but the psychiatrist had such a one on one, she's my patient type of, you can't intervene, it's me and her, they couldn't get heard. And so advocates that I did have ended up backing down. My mother didn't, but friends did. I mean friends ended up just backing Right off, they didn't know what to do anymore. I was at one point told that I was going to have to learn to live with the way I was feeling and behaving and that utter despair because I was in a severe state of this akathisia that people may know of these days does get talked about more. It can be a mild agitation or it can be what I had which was severe and acute. And I've. I have a psychiatrist that I cite in my book to who makes the comment that I back up 100% and that is that if a. If a person going through that is not told by their caregiver, their doctor, their psychiatrist, their therapist, whoever, that it is a readily correctable drug side effect, they will attempt to take their life because they can't live in that. You can't live in that. And when I say it was akin to being set alight on the inside and saying, you just have to live with that, you can't live with that. But that's when the turning point came. [00:24:11] Speaker B: Wow, Becca, it's just such a hard story to listen to. I'm particularly affected by this idea that none of the people that knew you best and loved you were being listened to or can, you know, what they were noticing was being considered. [00:24:27] Speaker C: Yeah, they were feeling terribly helpless as well. [00:24:31] Speaker B: I can imagine everyone was feeling so helpless. Yeah. Can you tell us about the turning point and how that happened for you? [00:24:37] Speaker C: It's. I giggle because it. Such a mammoth turning point came so incidentally, as I said, I was in and out of psychiatric hospital all the time and you get sort of your little groups of people you've seen before and you know, you tend to sit with them and things like that. But something quite unusual happened one day when I was out of my room and I was in a hallway walking along and there was a lady there who'd been there for a while. I had absolutely nothing to do with her. And she approached me directly and she put a hand on my shoulder or something and she handed me a pamphlet, a little booklet, and she was quite Christian and religious. And she said to me, you know, I don't know if you're religious or spiritual, but I've been praying for you. And I'd just like you to have this. And I was like, oh, thanks, you know, that's nice. Wasn't really in a headspace to be praying or doing much at all. And then at around the same time, I had enough of everything, obviously. I'd also put on a humongous amount of Weight, I'd gained close to 30 kilos in weight. And that was very clearly from the medication, because it piled on after starting certain medications. And I decided that I didn't want to be taking that particular medication anymore. So I didn't. And almost immediately within. Within sort of days, began to feel a shift in my consciousness. I became aware of myself and it felt something like mental health. I was able to have the cognitive thought process that what if these medications, some of them. I certainly didn't think all, but what if some of these medications are actually making me feel this horrendous as that was happening. And the lady came to me about, you know, I'm praying for you. I learned much later on my mother at this particular time had gone for a trip, short trip to Europe, a getaway. And she. My mother's diary entries are all through the book, so you get her perspective on what she was seeing. And this particular passage is in the book where she talks about going to Notre Dame, the cathedral, and talking about being overwhelmed herself spiritually. Now, I'm baptized Catholic, but we're not practicing, and my mother's the same, but she was overcome with this, she said. And she writes about feeling, like laying, you know, face down on the. On the floor with her arms stretched wide, like the nuns would do. And I realised when writing the book, all these things happened at once. There was a synchronicity of these spiritual things going on. Me having this awakening of, like, oh, that drug is gone, and I'm feeling somewhat, like, better. And from then, everything changed in the best possible way. I was sent home from hospital around this point in time because the improvement in me was noticeable. I had a conversation with my husband and I sort of have to explain that I had become so unwell that I was at a point where I'd been told by the psychiatrist that an unwillingness to take the medication would be seen as a sign of mental deterioration. There was no win in this. So. Because the most natural thing would be to ask him, wouldn't it? You know, I don't want to be on this anymore. Can I try that? I didn't have that as an option, and I'm not advocating that to everybody, but this was my experience. I didn't have that option. So I did confess to my husband what I wanted to do, and that was I wanted to try very carefully weaning from some medication. And I had referenced books on the subject by qualified psychiatrists. So I wasn't just going this alone. And, you know, I had some idea of what I was doing. But I began to do it painstakingly, slowly. So that first medication I came off, I had done kind of quickly, but I did it painstakingly, slowly, and I did it in the order that was recommended to do with what I'd read and all this sort of thing. And I'd said to my husband, and, okay, I'm dropping down to this dosage this week of this medication. And he knew that if he noticed any signs of anything that he was concerned about, he'd speak up and all of that. So. But over the course of about nine months, I think it was. I gradually weaned myself from all my medication. I regained my mental health completely. My daughter was now two and a half. The postnatal issues had kind of gone, but not for reasons that were good. But with a lot of research and just personal understanding, I became to understand that I had reacted badly to that very first antidepressant by going into that state of hypomania and the insomnia and the detachment from, you know, everything normal got kind of going on around. Around me that I should have been paying attention to. [00:29:53] Speaker B: Unbelievable the story, isn't it? I've read the book and it still feels unbelievable. I wonder what role your family, friends, people, people around you played in that process of nine months. What gave you comfort and confidence in what was happening? [00:30:13] Speaker C: My husband, he, whether he knows it or not, was absolutely. Was of immense help. I needed him, and he was there as time went on. And my mother as well. And, you know, my mother was amazing support all the way through this. She's a very pragmatic person. She's not terribly emotional or emotive, but she's a very pragmatic person. So she was kind of like boots on the ground the whole time, you know, and helping Nige with Jemima, the baby and all of that. And so she was there with me all the way along as well, and. And friends wise, I managed to retain some friends, but I lost more. Yeah. [00:30:59] Speaker A: Can I ask if you ever got to see, like, the psychiatrist or any of the staff that were treating you and then could see where you are on the other side of coming out? [00:31:08] Speaker C: One part of the whole thing I should mention is that along with the weaning of medications, I went back and saw a psychiatrist who had been involved when I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. I went back to him as a patient and I told him what I was doing. At that point, I was. I think I was pretty much off medication, and I told him I would like you to tell me, please, if you believe that I have bipolar mood disorder. And he said to me, I can do that. He said, but I need to tell you it's going to be 18 months, two years. It's not going to be a couple of sessions. I need to observe you, you know. And I was like, yep, I understand. And I did. I went and saw him for close on two years. And I can remember that day so clearly when he said to me, well, I don't know what you want to do from here, Bec. He said, you know, a lot of people just get sick and tired of seeing psychiatrists. You might have had enough. At this point, I see absolutely no evidence of you having bipolar mood disorder. [00:32:09] Speaker A: What were you thinking in that moment? [00:32:11] Speaker C: Well, I'd become so conditioned to not having mood fluctuations because they were seen as sign of illness. What I wanted to do was get up and hug him. I wanted to leap out of my chair and hug him, but I just thanked him. [00:32:30] Speaker B: I've got to be honest, Bec, I'm feeling a whole lot of emotion hearing your story, and I'm just so grateful for what you've shared. I wonder if it's all right with you if we start to hear about how life is for you now and what has come from your healing from this. Have you got any thoughts about what you might say to someone who is experiencing postnatal depression? [00:32:53] Speaker C: Like how I was in the beginning. [00:32:55] Speaker B: Now, like, what would you say to them from this experience? [00:32:59] Speaker C: Well, I have had a second daughter since this experience. There's eight and a half years between the two of them. Something that I learned about infant psychology helped me a heck of a lot. And that was, first of all, I should say, that one of the things that got to me as. As gets to any mother, but my baby crying would. The reaction, it would set off inside of me. You know, I mentioned that I'd probably call it more postnatal panic than depression. And. And just that helplessness of her crying was so hard to bear. Another feeling I would feel was punished by the crying from that, I would just feel like such a failure. How can I not comfort my child? You know, all of that. But when I came to understand that when a baby does cry, a lot of the time it's in frustration and it's in frustration at themselves. They don't know that. Right. But we can. We can understand that. If we think about it, they don't have the capability to individuate. I mean, that just sounds like common sense. When you say it, your hand is their hand, your arms are their arms. They don't realise that they're not you and that you're not them. So if you can kind of transfer that to the frustration a baby must feel and not being able to do a damn thing to get its needs met, a lot of that is why they're crying. So just that whole concept helped me a lot. It wasn't something I was doing wrong, just how it is. [00:34:43] Speaker A: You mentioned you did have another baby. [00:34:46] Speaker C: Yes. [00:34:46] Speaker A: So how did what you learned from that experience shape the way you became a parent, a parent of a second child and also just like how you approach life? [00:34:58] Speaker C: Well, it's the single most transformative experience I've ever had. Nothing has topped it so far. I'm a heck of a lot stronger than I was. A heck of a lot stronger. I don't doubt myself anywhere near as much as I used to. I mean, those sorts of things have changed a hell of a lot. I did do a lot of self affirming things, doing things that bring some sense of success and self mastery too, however tiny they might be. And you know, it can sound a little off, but I grew a couple of tomato plants. I mean, it was just something that I did and I achieved and it means something. The meditation helped very, very much. I used to get up 20 minutes early in the morning. It sounds nuts, I know when you've got a newborn. But I would get up 20 minutes before her in the morning to watch the sunrise. I'd look through my favorite window in the lounge room. There's a beautiful big ghost gum and I'd see the sun rise and change color reflecting off the leaves and the sun change, you know, as it chased the, the dark away. And I just have a cup of coffee and I just watched that before I got into everything else. So I just chipped away at keeping my sense of self and keeping my identity. And that helped me immensely because it still was really hard being a new mum again with new challenges and extra challenges as well. But yeah, that was a mantra and something to live by was to keep my sense of self. Yeah. [00:36:29] Speaker A: That's incredible. I'm so glad to hear that you found yourself again. [00:36:32] Speaker C: Thanks. [00:36:33] Speaker A: Made time for yourself. [00:36:35] Speaker B: Is there something you can say about how you want to respond to or how you would like to be responded to at times of distress? [00:36:44] Speaker C: The very best thing I've found to do, and what I could have used more of is not to overreact or overact or even necessarily act at all. I Guess I can give an example of. Recently, my cousin, he passed away from cancer. He was in a terrible state. He was riddled with cancer. He was dying. He was dying right there in front of us. And I just sat with it, and I just sat with him and the simplest of things, you know, even though he was autistic, he was very tactile. I just stroke his arm while I sat beside him or, you know, give him a little head massage. It didn't matter. You don't always have to do anything. And in fact, most of the time, the best thing is to do very little. Just be. Just be and don't judge. That's about it. [00:37:41] Speaker B: That's really powerful. You know, I'm going to really hold on to that. Don't overreact, don't overact, or don't even act, you know. What a beautiful phrase. [00:37:50] Speaker C: Thanks, Beck. [00:37:52] Speaker A: You're an amazing storyteller. I can honestly sit here and listen to you speak all day. [00:37:58] Speaker C: No, obviously, thank you. [00:37:59] Speaker A: I just want to say a massive thank you for coming in and sharing that story because it's such a. A nightmare of a story to come back and revisit, but unfortunately, it is still happening to so many people. And that is. That's why it's so important to share, to spread awareness. And it's just amazing to see who you are now and the incredible person that you are, because you really are a beautiful. [00:38:28] Speaker C: No, Lucy, thank you. You're gonna make me cry. [00:38:31] Speaker B: And I'm saying, too, it's not. It is a nightmare, nightmare story. It's also a heroic story. You know, like, I think the survival and the turning point and, you know, that is just such a amazing story of human strength. [00:38:47] Speaker C: Thanks, Rachel. [00:38:48] Speaker A: I just quickly asked, though, where can people find your book? [00:38:52] Speaker C: Oh, sure. It's available pretty much anywhere. You would normally buy an ebook, a Kindle, or a paperback. And just look up Dying for a Cure by Rebecca Vetto, and you'll find it. [00:39:02] Speaker A: Thank you. [00:39:03] Speaker B: Thanks, Bec. Well, Lucy, you know, that conversation was just amazing. Beck stories and others like it are really some of the reasons that we set up this podcast. We wanted those stories to be heard. I mean, Beck's story really reminds me about how dangerous it can be when someone who's experiencing really difficult life circumstances or complex life challenges is met by health providers in a way that makes them believe there's something wrong with them. You know, that there's a problem in their brain or there's deficits or a lifelong illness. Bec's got her life back, but many people don't. That story Bec shared with us about how she fought to regain her life and find her agency again is incredibly inspiring. It's unusual and it's also unfair that she's had to do that. [00:40:07] Speaker A: It is a nightmare story, but knowing Bec and just the beautiful bright light of a human that she is, I'm so happy that she came out the other side of that. What stood out for me from this conversation was that beautiful imagery of her getting up and watching the sun rise and planting tomatoes and doing things for herself because she didn't get to do that for so long. Just amazing to see the person that she is. [00:40:45] Speaker B: Discovery College acknowledges that the views shared in this podcast reflect personal experiences and are not a substitute for professional mental health advice. They do not represent the views of Alfred Health. [00:40:57] Speaker A: Thank you for listening to our podcast. If you wanted to stay in touch or learn more about Discovery College, please head to our website. Discovery College.